Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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