drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize