I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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