and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
