i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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