He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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