No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize