That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
