Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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