I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
