woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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