My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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