i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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