He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
