Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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