$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
