I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My feet surprised me
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