When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
