now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
