Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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