my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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