You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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