I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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