i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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