he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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