Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
