I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
