We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
where does the pee come out of this thing
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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