He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
