My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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