You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think my vagina is haunted
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
