dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
