I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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