I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
