you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
