Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
