Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
