Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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