The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
