Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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