i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
