I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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