When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
