I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize