My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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