Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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