just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
