Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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