The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
PANTIES FOUND
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
