I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dicks are not precious.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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