my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
