i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
