Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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