I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
