my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
