My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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