party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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