it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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